This morning the Mills family boarded a Korean Air flight with their 21 pieces of luggage and 5 kids to trek back to Mongolia where they serve as missionaries for Jesus. Once the bags were checked (a major operation) we had some time to just talk before they went through the TSA checkpoint and on to the gate.
Somehow we got on the subject of belonging and friendships and Donna was commenting on how hard it is to understand the American mindset of relationships. For her, having spent so many years abroad living in poorer, less media-saturated cultures, relational closeness is just a much more prioritized part of life.
"I don't understand why people are so guarded," she said. "Its like you have to spend at least 3 hours at a stretch with people before you can break through all the surface stuff and into the real stuff of life."
I agreed that it is a huge cultural reality that we wrestle with as followers of Jesus. In my view, media-saturated, convenience-loving, progress-pursuing, effeciency-valuing Americans are strongly oriented to fail at relationships and friendships.
This evening I was talking on the phone with my best male friend, Matt. He was preparing for a message he'll be preaching tomorrow night on 1 Samuel 20. He was kind of complaining because he felt the message was too "topical" on friendship--that it lacked anything "meaty". The chapter is actually one of the most powerful images of friendship in the Bible.
"Matt, I think this could be one of the more important and heart-connected messages you'll have a chance to preach," I told him. From my vantage point as a pastor, I see people all over Chicago pulling their urban hair out with frustration over difficult relationships and a lack of a sense of belonging precisely because we've lost touch with how to build lasting relationships. We're better at quitting than working through the pain--"hashing it out" as my wife calls it. But it is in the "hashing" that bonds of friendship and relationship are forged.
I'm praying for insight on this subject because I feel it is mission-critical.
I am always hearing about how people do want deeper relationships. But my experience has been the opposite - people seem well satisfied with surface ones. Try to set a day/time with people and you'll see all of the excuses that come up. Sure, there are valid reasons sometimes. But if deep relationships were really needed, people wouldn't let anything stand in the way of those opportunities when they come up. They'd be desperate for the connection and would do anything to be there.
Do we really believe that we desperately need each other in this dark world? Do we even realize how hostile this world is to our faith? If we did, we'd treasure every second with another true follower of Christ.
My family is Christian in name only. When I was working I was mostly with unbelievers. The people I hang with online are not believers. Some are hostile to Christianity in general, though they seem to still enjoy my friendship. My entire life is spent pretty much away from followers of Christ.
Being with such people even for five minutes - even if it's in a group of strangers - is gold to me.
Posted by: Mo | July 17, 2007 at 09:44 AM
Mo, you're speaking to some challenging issues. I agree that often, we have many replacements to true community. Great fear exists in being vulnerable and honest about our lives. As soon as you add the idea that a relationship is centered around a common desire to follow Jesus, everyone feels an obligation to fake what they're failing at to avoid judgment. To me this proceeds from the inside out more than the outside in. In other words, I don't think its usually based on people's real responses to another's transparency but rather to my own insecurities about being vulnerable. Creating space for people to be vulnerable requires a leader being vulnerable. Maybe God has given you an awareness of what is lacking so that you can lead others by your own willingness to be vulnerable and honest in following Jesus.
And don't lose your connection with people who don't love or follow Jesus--its not an either or. Its a do this (real Christian community) so that you can do that (infuse and illuminate) with greater passion and love.
I appreciate your honest responses.
Posted by: Kevin | July 18, 2007 at 01:01 PM