One of my Gil and mine's [now there's some good English for you] favorite things to do together as a couple is marriage mentoring. The idea behind it is simple--couples who have been married for some period of time and who have a growing marriage meet with couples who are getting ready for marriage or couples who are trying to overcome barriers in their marriage. They work through marriage teaching, share their lives, pray and model a growing marriage. By inviting couples to journey together, both are strengthened. We have a bunch of mentor couples in our congregation and I think they are quiet spiritual heroes.
Last night we met with the with the couple we're currently mentoring toward marriage and we covered "Do You Know How to Fight a Good Fight?" from Les and Leslie Parrot's Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. In the session they highlight the research of Dr. John Gottman and others who give this startling claim:
Based on observation of a couple's handling of conflict, researches can predict with 94% accuracy the success and longevity of that marriage.
They identify the "4 Horseman of the Apocalypse"--four negative practices in conflict that will eventually destroy a marriage:
- Criticism
- Defensiveness
- Contempt
- Stonewalling
The teaching is really valuable to get a grip on. As an alternative to the "4 Horsemen", the Parrots offer two alternatives:
- Sharing withholds on a weekly basis (2 positive and 1 negative for each partner)
- Using X+Y=Z in communicating hurt and pain
Withholds are those things that we don't share with each other, both positive and negative, that impact our feelings in any relationship. For example, my wife may have made me happy by washing the car on the way home from the grocery store but instead of saying something to her, I just think it. Sharing a positive withhold means saying, "Honey, when you got the car washed yesterday in the midst of a busy day, it made me feel like I was valuable to you."
Want to learn more about sharing withholds and using X+Y=Z in communicating hurt and pain? Grab a copy of a the book--its worth the read. [And no, I don't make any money off your purchase--I just love sharing good resources.]
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