Your story, the abridged version

I mentioned that I've been reading Just Walk Across the Room by Bill Hybels.  Chapter 6 challenges the reader to craft your conversion story into 100 words or less--a power-packed version that can be shared briefly in a conversation without requiring an intermission and popcorn. 

Hybels details 4 ways testimonies often go wrong.  They are 1) long-winded, 2) fuzzy, 3) full of religious jargon, 4) and often pious-sounding ("I'm now better than you.")

I've taken up the challenge.  I've written up my own Jesus story with the above guidelines in mind.  Hybels uses an economical 79 words.  I've taken up 95--long-winded, I know.  Please read and give me feedback/critique:

Relatively speaking.  That sums up my life before I met Jesus.  “Relatively speaking” I was pretty good. Relatively speaking my struggles and sin-battles were properly stowed away and the surface of my life was pretty clean. 

When I met Jesus in January of 1990 he took away my “relatively speaking” life.  He gave me a new standard—His life—and a new Power to take away my hidden garbage and help me live honestly and transparently.  I stopped serving the religion of appearance and attendance—I began relating to a God who loved me inside and out.

Comments

[tonyo]

short and to the point. Now about your cd time when I record you...
:-)

[Mo]

I tried to read this as a non-believer would read it. The one thing that gave me pause was the phrase 'sin-battles'. I never hear the word 'sin' used among non-believers and I'm not sure it conveys much these days. Other than that, I think it works really well.

Wow, I can't imagine how I would write mine... hm...

[Michael Atto]

Pastor,
A well thought testimony. It will be effective because its simple & people will relate to it. Countless number of people in this world past & present have acknowledged Christianity as the Way without a profound or miraculous experience in their personal lives. C.S. Lewis was one of them.

Michael Atto
8/14/07